Die to self

A traveler from India went to Africa to acquire some local products and animals, and while in the jungle he saw thousands of beautiful multicolored talking parrots. He decided to capture a talking parrot and take it back as a pet.

At home he kept his parrot in a cage and fed him wonderful seeds and honey, played music for his pet, and generally treated him well. When it was time for the man to return to Africa 2 years later, he asked his parrot if there was any message he could deliver to the parrot's friends back in the jungle. The parrot told his master to say that he was very happy in his cage and that he was enjoying each day and to convey his love.

When the traveler arrived back in Africa he delivered the message to the parrots in the jungle. Just as he finished his story, a parrot with tears welling up in his eyes fell over dead. The man was alarmed and decided that the parrot must have been very close to the parrot in the cage and that was the reason for his sadness and demise.

When the traveler returned to India, he told his pet what had happened. As he finished his story, the pet parrot's eyes welled up with tears and he kneeled over dead in his cage. The man was astounded, but figured that his pet died from the despair of hearing of the death of his close friend back in the jungle.

The trader opened up the cage and tossed the dead bird outside onto the trash heap. Immediately his pet parrot flew up to a branch on the tree outside.

The trader said to him, "So, you are not dead after all. Why did you do that?"

The parrot answered, "Because that bird back in Africa sent me a very important message."

"What was the message?" the trader inquired impatiently.

"He told me that if you want to escape from your cage, you must die while you are alive."

T4aM

Meet my demons

The thing is we all wake up with issues on our mind.
We all go to sleep with desires for a slightly different tomorrow.
We all walk around with thoughts in our head.
Sometimes smiling to fend of the questions and concerns.
We all laugh, tucking away the worry and insecurities that we hold deep down inside.
No.
This is no revelation.
No amazing discovery.
Nothing we didn't know.
Nothing we cannot acknowledge or accept.
Because
The truth is...we all have demons.
We all have our personal set of issues that we dealing with at every single point in time.
A little slice of our 'reality' that we are battling to grapple with.
One of many 'truths' and 'possibilities' that we are
Struggling to face and accept.
And/Or
Trying so desperately to change.
And these demons come in various shapes and sizes.
Various forms and disguises.
Some come for a short period of time
While others tend to hang around for quite a while.
-With all this in mind though-
One important thing to note is that:
Your demons are not my demons
My demons are not your demons
And...
In this vast universe that we live in.
In this amazingly overpopulated world of billions....
You can be sure to rest assured
That you are not the only one with issues
Or even that your issues are entirely unique
Don't for one second think :
That you are the only one that has skeletons in your closet
Don't for one second think :
That you are the only one that has demons in your dungeon.
Rather:
Embrace it;
Accept it;
Admit it
Face it;
And understand that your view on life is entirely in your control.
You control your thoughts.
Your maneuver your mind.
So you should get to know your demons.
You should name your demons.
And don't ever blame your demons
Because the truth is that you invited them in....

T4aM

These strings

These strings that I see

Hanging all around me

Yet

I refuse to be bound or controlled

by 'society'

T4aM

Dare to be real

I have on many an occasion been that guy at a social gathering that says or does some weird shit. Things that classify as non-conventional, not normal, uncalled for, unexpected.. and i don't do it because i'm trying to be funny or trying to spark up controversy or anything - I do it because that is who i am. I do it because it is what i feel, what i think, what is true to me. And its only fair that i show the world the me that i am, as opposed to the me that they want to see.

Many a time I notice that people are often afraid, or maybe too reserved to say what they are really thinking or what they are really feeling because they are concerned about how it will be received by the general public. And when certain things are said or done a lot of people would rather stick to the conventions of society so they are not perceived to be 'uncool' or some nonsense like that. Why?, why must we adhere to these unwritten, undocumented social conventions that we have all internalized, why must we condemn the person that speaks up, and says what we want to say, and what we are thinking but too afraid to show... why...?

This is one of the many reasons why I find this world such a weird place. It pains me to see how much you as an individual sovereign entity are expected to conform. And leads me to ask myself the following:

"Why i should ignore my natural personality, preferences and tendencies just to be accepted?"

Society is not there with me when I go to bed, society is not there with me when I wake up, society is not in my mind, no society is all out there. So why must I put on my publicly-approved 'mask' and filter-configured 'helmet' when I leave my apartment so that everyone around me is comfortable and at ease. This way we all just end up faking the majority of our lives, with the carefully structured facades that we put in-place where our faces and real personalities are supposed to be.

The truth is that I will only really live for so long and I cannot let my life go by pretending , just to be 'cool' just to be 'accepted', honestly I'd rather be weird, creepy and REAL - i'd take that ostracized option over that 'you have been deemed to be socially acceptable' tag any day. Honestly : conventional, average and normal have never really been my strong point....

I really don't have time to suppress my thoughts, feelings and actions, as I would honestly be denying myself of life. And my time, as is yours - is limited, in this dimension.

T4aM  

Let me be great

Today I spent my post 9to5 wprking hours indoors. I Had a mission to come back to my apartment and jump on some code. Reason being is that i have a change to do and I wanted to get a grip of the system before going in to the office tommorow blank-  cause that just leads to time wastage..

My strong will to tackle the problem and delve into the SQL files and c# files head on is something that I was inspired to do by my work mate. Thing is....I know ( the world knows) that I've always been proactive, hands-on and eager to get the job done - at least I was throughout high-school and varsity- but recently, after being exposed to so much and being over whelmed with so many new things here at work,  new paradigms, new methodologies and new and unfamiliar programming languages I have honestly forgotten just how intelligent, solution-oriented, and pragmatic I actually truly am.

So today when I finally got the code to work I had so much joy not just because I accomplished something but also because I feel like I'm being me again. ...

These are the attributes that got me to where I am today.

1. Goal oriented.
2. Solution driven.
3  Hard working.
4. Don't give up easily (if at all even).
5. Quick learner. .

And these are qualities that I have noticed in my work mate so much, and I'm glad that instead of seeing it as competition or being negative about it, I took it in positively and I tried my best to learn from him and replicate him in areas where possible.  And I am glad that it had paid off as I am also progressing in my professional career because of this... its beautiful and I'm glad I have someone like him that I can measure myself against.  You can only get better if you surround yourself with people that push you forwards and raise higher, either implicitly or explicitly. It's a challenge that results in continuous growth and learning. ...If handled correctly. 

Remember that It's ok to lose your groove once in a while, just make sure you get it back....

T4aM

Being human

I am a really weird person, or maybe it is just a part of me that is weird. Over recent times I have found my self to be quite socially awkward, lacking conversational skills, uninteresting, dry and dull... And the thing is I know I'm better than that yet I still fall into this trap of mundaneness. I find myself trying to act, and not acting naturally. Is it because I am too deeply inside my own head that it takes such effort to be in the real world with everyone else? I am so cautious of my every move, my every word and probably most of all how I am perceived by those around me. I don't want to fit in, but I find myself figuring out how to.

I am so weird. I always used to make fun of typical coders/programmers because of their anti social behavior or their stereotypical weirdness..but that is seemingly exactly who I am. I don't like people in my private space. I don't like maintaining close relationships. I don't like not being by myself for extended periods of time. :| I feel like when I am not by myself I have to put up a conscious act just to be accepted. And the thing is it's not even a facade or anything of that sort, just have to filter my thoughts and actions before coming off as weird..because I am weird. I really am. I'm different....

I am extremely weird. And this affects my confidence because i doubt myself so much, I always think that I cAn do more, that  I can be more. That I don't know enough. That I am not enough. Despite my accolades and achievements... Despite my young age and ambition. Despite my intelligence and abilities I still feel like there is a lot more I can and should be doing. I compare myself to those around me so much. And as much as I don't want to be them. Noooo I just want to be accepted by them. And conforming and submitting to society are what I am deeply against. But I have clearly wasted a lot in trying to be human..so much that it makes me sad.

I am not normal. But I don't know what normal is.. I don't know who is normal. I don't want to be normal. I don't want to be human. I think I'd do quite well in a universe with just myself. But I know my thoughts would get to me, because I really have so many of them... And I'd obviously need people to confirm my existence and to try ensure my sanity. 

My mind is a weird place.

T4aM