Being human

I am a really weird person, or maybe it is just a part of me that is weird. Over recent times I have found my self to be quite socially awkward, lacking conversational skills, uninteresting, dry and dull... And the thing is I know I'm better than that yet I still fall into this trap of mundaneness. I find myself trying to act, and not acting naturally. Is it because I am too deeply inside my own head that it takes such effort to be in the real world with everyone else? I am so cautious of my every move, my every word and probably most of all how I am perceived by those around me. I don't want to fit in, but I find myself figuring out how to.

I am so weird. I always used to make fun of typical coders/programmers because of their anti social behavior or their stereotypical weirdness..but that is seemingly exactly who I am. I don't like people in my private space. I don't like maintaining close relationships. I don't like not being by myself for extended periods of time. :| I feel like when I am not by myself I have to put up a conscious act just to be accepted. And the thing is it's not even a facade or anything of that sort, just have to filter my thoughts and actions before coming off as weird..because I am weird. I really am. I'm different....

I am extremely weird. And this affects my confidence because i doubt myself so much, I always think that I cAn do more, that  I can be more. That I don't know enough. That I am not enough. Despite my accolades and achievements... Despite my young age and ambition. Despite my intelligence and abilities I still feel like there is a lot more I can and should be doing. I compare myself to those around me so much. And as much as I don't want to be them. Noooo I just want to be accepted by them. And conforming and submitting to society are what I am deeply against. But I have clearly wasted a lot in trying to be human..so much that it makes me sad.

I am not normal. But I don't know what normal is.. I don't know who is normal. I don't want to be normal. I don't want to be human. I think I'd do quite well in a universe with just myself. But I know my thoughts would get to me, because I really have so many of them... And I'd obviously need people to confirm my existence and to try ensure my sanity. 

My mind is a weird place.

T4aM