Know thyself: Hi i'm Ben and I'm an introvert

Hi.
My name is Ben
And I'm an introvert....

Aaaand.... I'm proud :D !

They say the first step is acceptance, well I am long passed that phase and the truth is I honestly wish I knew this information a lot earlier in life because it would have certainly helped me in understanding a lot in terms of:

1. How I feel during certain social situations.
2. Occasional inexplicable internal feelings at times.
3. Relationship difficulties and eventual breakups over the years.

And here I was all this time thinking that I can be socially awkward, hard to love and reclusive at times. Thank God for psychology...

People get a tad bit confused about what it means to be Extroverted and Introverted. The average person will tell you that an extrovert is social,out-going, confident, fun to be around and talkative, while the common personality traits attributed to introverts are shyness, quiet, low-confidence and very reserved. This inevitably and unfortunately leads to the conclusion that

Extrovert = Good 

and 

Introvert = Bad 

A very sad conclusion to reach because in all honestly neither of these inferences could be any further away from the truth... I don't blame anyone for thinking like this because this too is what I myself believed for a very long time as well and because of this I think I even ended up pretending to be an extrovert for the most part of my childhood, or rather and more directly I spent a lot of effort suppressing my introversion, because that didn't seem to be what society wanted, that didn't seem to be what was deemed acceptable and normal. We all know that your introvert status obviously won't get you in with the cool kids seated at the back of the bus.

So because of my weak inner compass and my superficial social ambitions I honestly thought that I was an extrovert: I mean I like parties, I like crowds and I can socialize with new people - crack a joke here and there...so thus I am an extrovert right??

WRONG!!

It was when the romantic, loving, sprung side of me somehow got us involved in stable relationships during varsity that I realized that I really really really valued my alone time, because sometimes I just really wanted to be alone but unfortunately I could never really explain why. And due to my overpowering ignorance throughout these confusing and adverse times, I ended up looking for any viable excuse not to be with my better half ("I need to study", "I miss my room hey", "I'm not feeling too good" etc etc), completely oblivious to the real reason behind it. I remember I even once asked to be alone on my Birthday (that didn't end to well at all), which some might view as a selfish move, but the reality of the situation was that I needed to have some personal time, I needed to reflect and I needed to spend time with my self...why? because that's where I get my energy from and that ladies and gentlemen is what it is all about. The key concept behind what it actually means to be introverted, is that we as introverts tend to recharge by spending time alone and we tend to lose energy from being around other people for long periods of time. Yes this is a really simplified expansions of the two terms (it gets deeper) but I have found that this explanation alone explains the very core of who I am, what I do and how I act in my daily life (FYI a person in the middle of  this personality continuum is referred to as an Ambivert).

Things that are probably only known to myself and those really close to me is the fact that I can literally go days without seeing anyone, sometimes (many times..) I  spend an entire weekend in complete silence alone in my apartment away from the world (reading, writing, coding etc) and it honestly doesn't bother me one single bit. Of course it's not complete silence because I talk/sing/argue with myself on the regular and it's these conversations, these thought processes and these private times that keep me focused, sane and on track - without them I'd be an utterly hopeless wreck - which has happened many a time. Usually when exposed to (certain types of) people for too long, away from the privacy of my space (home, apartment, desk etc) for too long or surrounded by the 'noise' for too long.

Understanding this key aspect about my personality has really taught me about my self, both going backwards in retrospect as well as giving me great insight going forwards with my future plans, goals and ambitions both in my career and personal life. For example : working this year knowing that I am introverted (among many other personality traits) has helped me understand how I prefer to solve problems (usually a lot of thinking, staring and mental processing), why I can get slightly agitated during long days at the office and how I operate in teams and group discussions (a lot of reflection, silence and internalizing). It is this kind of deep inner understanding that will help me to determine the type of working environment I can thrive in, the type of work I want to do and the type of people I'd like to be around. Regarding my future intimate relationships, I'll be sure that my next I-think-that-I-like-you-let's-date contract will be accompanied with my little personality disclaimer at the bottom of page 1 ( that and the fact that I'm not a big fan of PDA, yes we can hold hands in public but that's about it..)

As much as life and reality as we know it is about understanding the world around us and learning how best to adapt,the real journey is about understanding who we really are deep down inside and finding out how best to express that fully in our immediate environment and in our every day lives.

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"For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating."
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#T4aM

sources: http://www.fastcompany.com/3016031/leadership-now/are-you-an-introvert-or-an-extrovert-and-what-it-means-for-your-career  (thanks for the great article Beth)

Meditation : You are the thinker not the thought.

I thought I would transcend into a different reality, a whole new dimension, another plane of existence. Honestly those were my initial reasons when I initially commenced this journey of 'seeking' along with my extreme interest in Buddhism and practicing meditation. "Just quieten the mind" they said, and quieten I did, or rather quieten I tried...

Unfortunately It was an utter nightmare in the beginning. I could not seem to get it right, my thoughts would be all over the show. I would get about 10 seconds of silent meditation in the beginning of the session and then bam! all of a sudden I'm thinking about a random event from the recent day, something that someone said to me, or some arbitrary image that my imagination decides to spark up from the inner void of randomness. And as soon as that one initial thought captures your attention, it's a roller coaster ride from then on, right up until you gain control again and that's if you've even realized that your efforts have been sabotaged.

I didn't like the fact that my mind was so noisy, I despised it, I was angry, felt hopeless, I hated my failed attempts at meditating, I thought I was using the wrong approach, that there was something special I wasn't doing. I thought I would never get it right, I thought my conscious self would be banished into this realm of reality forever. But I still persevered, I kept at it, session after session, meeting after meeting, attempt after attempt, and surely but ever so slowly progress was made.At least I thought I was making progress, up until one moment changed my perception forever...

I was at a Buddhist temple here in the mother city, and I was attending a weekly guided meditation session, the monk seated in the front of the room proceeded to tell us to focus on our breath, and the thing is I had heard this many times before, but that day something was triggered. In the beginning I was consciously breathing, in out, in out, in out, with concerted effort, focusing on the inhalation and exhalation throughout my body. And then after a while I had realized that I had stopped consciously breathing, but my body ever so faithfully carried on.. and it was at this moment that I had a massive epiphany.

My body (well my respiratory system, to be specific) breathes, yes, my body this over glorified bag of cells, this vibrant living organism that I call home, breathes and my brain (the control center) manages the breathing of my body without the need for my conscious intervention. At the age of 22 my brain will ensure that I breathe on average 12-20 times per minute, at least 17,280 breathes in a day.Why...? because that's a part of it's job. This isn't the epiphany in its entirety don't worry there is more to it than that. Because from there I realized that just as my body takes an active role in ensuring that I continuously breathe to survive as a part of its function, my brain, or rather my mind must think, one of the mind's key functions is to produce thoughts, and produce thoughts is does, second after second, minute after minute, day after day, whether you know about them or not- they are there.

On average we have at least 50,000 thoughts a day, fifty thousand different thoughts racing through your mind during your every day life, and the problem is that unless these thoughts are well monitored, literally tens of thousands of these thoughts could be  one, some or even all of the following "I regret..", "I shouldn't have" ,  "I wonder if", "I'm so lonely" "I'm hopeless" "this will never work" "I'll never get it" "why does no one care" "I cant imagine he did that", "I look really fat in these" "my life is such a waste" "this is nonsense" "I'll never be able to..." "It's impossible" "I can't"  ...and so on and so on.

Now there are an infinite amount of negative thoughts and projections that can be appended to that list, the problem here is not solely that we are having these thoughts, the major problem here is that we have identified ourselves with these thoughts (the ego), so instead of us realizing that this is our (clearly untrained) mind doing its job, putting in its hours, serving its purpose, we identify with the thoughts, that our mind produces, we forget that we are the driver, the horse rider, the captain, the pilot, we forget that we are user of the mind, we forget that the brain is our tool and slowly but surely over time we allow the mind to use us, to shape us, to dictate our every move, wish, desire, activity... we as the drivers of our life allow ourselves to become victims to simple vehicles of thought - the mind.

And when this happens you live your life in a reactive manner, you unknowingly attract bad things into your existence, you allow fears and worries to manifest into reality, you lose track of who you are, who you want to be, where you want to go. You limit yourself, you maneuver through reality with a distorted filter on, limiting your perception and understanding of what is out there, what is possible and what you can become. You allow people thoughts and opinions to over power you, you allow yourself to fall into the trap of self-induced mind control. And we can't blame the mind, we unfortunately just don't know how to use it properly.

With this said (I could really go on forever, but i'll keep this short), I'm happy to say that it is mostly through consistent meditation that I have been able to actively take the role of the observer, the watcher, the thinker and not be identified with the thoughts themselves and it has truly done wonders over the years. Because of this constant presence (still working on this) and awareness I am able to live life consciously and I am not easily affected by the instability of my surrounding environment, the noise from the empty vessels, the negativity of those around me and the ever-present chaos that is 'reality'.

So yes unfortunately as earlier mentioned I haven't been able to have an out of body experience, communicate to an ancestor, or travel through the multiple planes of existence, but at least I am learning how to cope with the current dimension that I am in, one thought at a time.

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"Don't under estimate the power of the subconscious mind, because the truth is that your life, your perceptions and your reality as a whole is filtered, formed and defined by what goes on up there." B.J.M
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T4aM

40 day Meditation Journey

I really do want to write a long post about my journey in life so far, where I want to go, what I believe I can achieve and my current sense of direction...buuuut ...I'm quite tired today :)

What I will say however is that I am about to embark on a life changing journey. I am about to go where no Benjamin Jacob Mmari has gone before, I am about to undergo a remarkable period of complete inner transformation, in order to change the universe the world and myself from the inside out. Yes ladies and gentlemen I am about to attempt a 40 day double meditation personal mission.

Earlier on in the year I took part in a Transcendental Meditation course here in Cape Town and looking back on it, it was a great investment. During this course I learnt about a whole new field of meditation, I was introduced to the amazing Maharishi Yogi, I further explored the nature of reality, the impact of my thoughts and most importantly I was reminded of the importance of calming my mind, sitting in silence and detaching from my thoughts.

I am quite proud to say that since I finished that course I have been practicing TM, in the privacy of my own home, with my personal mantra and my ever so eager mind. In the beginning it was always twice a day (energetic times) then sometimes twice a day (busy times) then it was just once a day (lethargic times) and recently, shamefully and disappointingly I have even gone some days without meditating at all (utterly pathetic times).

However over the past few days, from multiple completely unrelated occurrences and conversations with people, I can sense deeply that the Universe is willing me to get myself back on that meditation horse, and when the universe speaks .....I listen.

The goal: Daily meditations for 40 days, twice a day.
The purpose: Self realization, inner exploration and overall personal growth.
Start Date: 19 October 2014.
End date: 28 November 2014.

Meditation over the recent months has honestly had an amazing impact on my life, it has taught me many things about who I am, where I am and the most exciting aspect of life right now...why I am. Honestly, I am not sure what the outcome of this journey will be, but I am ready to find out.

I even set myself up a nice meditation corner (work in progress) and bought me some incense...

Let the inwards journey begin...
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"Quieten the mind and the soul will speak"
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T4aM
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Know thyself: The torments of acne...and the elusive solution.

The problem

| Puberty.... thy heartless bastard! |

Before high school I was fresh faced, a bit chubby, full of confidence and ready to tackle the world. I had heard of rumors of this puberty thing but I figured that I was a special child and that nothing could possibly go wrong with me. But after hearing stories of what my older siblings had gone through I had decided to brace myself for the onset of puberty, I mean it wasn't all supposed to be bad right : the package came with a deeper voice, more facial hair, growth spurts and all so I kinda needed it , always being the shortest man in the room and all. But no one and nothing could have ever prepared me for for what was about to happen. Circa grade 10(2007) I started to cross the chasm, into the deep dark abyss known as puberty, all the other upgrades were really great but the only thing I couldn't handle was the acne, oh dear Lord why did you give me the acne....

In search for a solution

So there it was my greatest enemy for the past 6 or so years, acne, acne, acne. Cursed with weird/sensitive/reactive skin, at times I couldn't even tell if I had oily, dry, or mixed skin because it exhibited each quality at different points in time. And I tried absolutely everything. Honestly, you name it and I've tried it, the following list contains just some (rain drop in the ocean) of the products that I had tried to no avail:

1. Clearasel.
2. Young solution.
3. Oxy.
4. Clean n clear.
5. Acnet.
6. Garnier.
7. Zinplex
8. Epizone.
9. Eucerin.

And these are just a few of the well known brands that I tried, in times of deep distress I even ventured into the unknown. The following is not something I am extremely proud of but once, desperately in need of a solution I went to a pharmacist in Swaziland and he told me to use  vaginal cream on my face (yes...really...). Not the greatest decision I have ever made in my life, the fact alone that I was actually using it was weird enough, but now imagine having to explain to a bunch of macho male teens in a high school hostel why I had a tube of vaginal cream in my cupboard, as if the pimples weren't enough stress :( . I'm sad to say that this brave experiment didn't work at all, if anything it just made it worse and the issues just got deeper and deeper from there. 

Psychological effects

In the world that we live in, beauty plays a big role in our daily lives, with the media bombarding us from all angles, we have a preconceived notion of what it is to pretty, to be beautiful,to be attractive, to be normal. And high school is a time when everyone is trying to outshine everyone else, the cool kids are getting girlfriends, the pretty boys are receiving their first kisses etc etc. This is a very difficult time to be suffering from something so trivial as pimples and bad skin. But this plagued me throughout and it has such a deep rooted effect on your psych. Something that I haven't really shared with anyone was the fact that for the purposes of a self-induced delusion - There were many occasions where I used to go a whole week without looking at myself in the mirror, it sounds weird but I swear this is true. My reasoning was that if I can't see how bad my face is...then its not that bad..right?. And this helped me sleep at night, but it didn't stop the eyes wandering around my face during face-to-face conversation, so to counter that I developed the habit of looking away when talking to people (or just not talking to people at all :) ). So I'd be staring everywhere but at your face cause I didn't want to see myself through your eyes....quite deep hey, deep, sad, but very very true.

Depression, anger, sadness, fatigue, short-temper, lethargy...these were all bi-products of my disastrous face.. Every day became a challenge for me, a challenge to make it to the end, to survive, to refrain from breaking down in public, in-front of friends, in-front of people. Its such a traumatic experience and I don't think any one that hasn't suffered from prolonged acne really knows how this feels.You see, your face is the entrance to your soul, because your emotions, your thoughts, your feelings are all expressed through your face. When you meet people, first they see your face and then they analyse the rest of your body. Its analogous to living in a house that's falling apart on the outside. No matter what the situation is on the inside, all the judgments are passed long before entering the front door. And this left me constantly searching, searching for acceptance, seeking approval and always looking for love. Because when you don't accept, approve and love yourself, you obviously have to depend on someone else to.

Next sop...varsity

Going into varsity, the situation only got worse, and now this affected my academics, because instead of focusing on my work during lecturers, there I was thinking about my face.And the thing is that it's not all restricted to the psychological level even, because when you have inflamed skin, you can literally feel the puss pushing out against the boundaries of the pimple, and trust me that shit hurts! So not only did I wake up and feel like shit, I was reminded the whole damn day that there is a war happening all over my face, all day everyday. And to make this objective situation ten times worse there are so many pretty people in varsity, so one can't help but compare... :( As I walked around campus on the daily, I used to curse people that had perfect skin, cause they looked like they bath in milk while I looked like a destitute prisoner of war. I even wanted to see less and less of my own friends, locked up in my room for days, hiding behind the books and the course work - wondering why life is so unfair?

Searching for the underlying problem

What I didn't understand throughout this period is what actually caused this problem, all this time I was trying to fight it from the outside in: more face washes, more toners, more creams, if this doesn't work try another one, if that doesn't work try another one use a face mask, try a steamer, more more moreee!!!! I think my face was even tired of me, it probably almost threw in the towel as well. Early into varsity I stopped dairy, since I discovered that it was a contributing factor, after this change my face did improve..ever so slightly. 

Because of the effects of alcohol (high in sugar and toxins etc), throughout varsity I had many on and off periods with that as well, thinking that alcohol=bad, but that never lasted long.There were way too many parties to attend and not nearly enough self-discipline. I had managed to stop junk foods completely, so no sweets, chips, chocolates and the like. And people around me would often ask me why? But I would simply tell them it was due to 'health reasons', not exposing the reality of the matter : the fact that I was fighting to get control of my life back. 

In high school I got into the unnecessary bad habit of smoking as well , having such great friends as an influence (face palm) but I stopped that for good, early during my first year of varsity and haven't touched a cigarette since. This had some sort of effect, but then there was nothing to take my mind of the stress that was being caused by my face... So for the following years my love hate relationship continued with my face, I had good weeks, bad weeks, good days, bad days, ups and downs, ins and outs throughout and I eventually just conceded that this was my life, this was my journey. I decided to accept my fate....

The revelation

This continued up until this year(2014) the year after I completed my honours degree in varsity. Since I had started working I had a fairly routine schedule so I started going to gym on the daily after work with a group of work mates. What my workmates did was, they ate oats an hour or so before going to gym, for the carb-loading benefits. So I did the same, every day for about 3-4 weeks I had a nice bowl of oats (with sugar), sometimes even twice a day. After some time I started to notice that after I ate oats I used to get this bloated uncomfortable feeling in my stomach (which I actually used to get often) , this got extremely awkward over time. On top of this I also started getting this horrible acne by my jawline, and not just a lightweight whiteheaded pimple, it was deep cystic acne, those hard painful bumps that take oh so long to go away. Furthermore I also used to have a distinct weird feeling, like some sort of anxiety, but I didn't take much cognizance of it (i passed it off as fatigue). So this all continued to happen for a few weeks. 

At first I thought "o.k just some more retaliation from my face" but after consistent irritation and further annoyance it eventually lead me to do some research on our loyal friend Google, and after a few searches I came across this life changing article by Jenifer Blanchard. Her story was basically the same as mine: acne from a young age, trying every acne product on the market, staying indoors cause she was afraid of the world, hatred of staring in the mirror, feeling ugly and gross, despising other fresh faced teenagers, feeling of anxiety at times.. and halfway through reading the article I was like "woah, this is my story!". Then the part where she mentioned the jawline acne, I knew that I was onto something.

"Now the ACNE had started migrating downward, showing up along my jawline and neck as well as on my face. Deep-rooted, cystic acne that never seemed to go away. I didn’t know what to do anymore."

I carried on reading and she mentioned that after trying all products and even getting expert advice (which i did as well,and it was a complete waste of my time and money), she decided to take matters into her own hands by signing up for a nutrition course.

She continues to explain that during a lecture on food allergies the doctor started listing symptoms produced by gluten allergies and law and behold...one by one the truth was reveled and I saw the light.

"I was listening to a lecture on food allergies, and the doctor who was teaching the class started listing off all the symptoms that gluten and dairy allergies produce: anxiety, heartburn, GERD, ACID REFLUX, stomach pain, ear infections, sinus infections…the list went on."

Connecting the dots

My mother will be quick to tell you that I was terribly sick throughout my childhood and my parents had no idea why. But looking at this list and taking into consideration all my issues from birth to now, it all starts to make sense.. maybe, just maybe I was sensitive to gluten. On the one hand I was extremely  happy to come to this realization but then again I was also like REALLY?REALLY?? REALLY!!!!! The universe waits for me to go through high school AND varsity fighting a constant battle with myself before telling me that I shouldn't be eating gluten? After all the bread, the scones, the buns, the oats, the pasta, the beer! NOW you tell me that I'm gluten sensitive, now when i'm 22...well done! I kicked myself after reading this but it also all made so much sense, because looking back the times that my acne was at its worst correlated to times where I had a lot of wheat/barley/rye.

• Hostel and res -> the food is ridiculous, so you just end up making sandwiches to supplement everything. I'd go days eating like +10 slices of bread.

• High school going into varsity -> in high school your status of being a cool kid depends on whether you drink beer or not (which tasted disgusting) so what did i do? I drank a whole lot of beer!. In varsity... well, we all know what happens in varsity, you are either studying, sleeping or drinking. 

• Varsity self catering -> living in a house, without being catered for, not knowing how to cook to save my life- what did I eat most? bread, pasta and more bread!!!!!! and that's when I started my oats habit as well - 'just add boiling water' they said...curse you Jungle Oats!.

And what does bread, pasta, beer and oats all have in common? Gluten, gluten gluten!!!

Looking back it should have been more obvious but I mean its really hard connection to figure out and honestly up until this year I didn't even really know what gluten was, but now I know and I'll never forget. I've stopped eating all forms of gluten and the results are truly amazing (especially considering where I am coming from).

Postmortem 

With all this said and done, I'm not saying that I have photogenic face with smooth silky baby bottom skin...yet! I am however clearly on the road to recovery and it really feels great, being able to walk out your house and face the day (pun intended) in confidence is one of the greatest feelings in the world. I'll have to follow a strict diet of course, but it's for a good cause, I really do miss my craft beer, but honestly I'd choose smooth skin over a hangover any day.

Know thyself

Now this definitely isn't a proven cure for the millions of other acne sufferers out there, but it is worth a try. The point to take out of this is to always look for the root cause of your problems. I am a strong believer in logic,  reason and rational, and in as much as we may live in a random universe, not everything is random, things don't 'just happen' especially if the observations are consistent, one needs to look for the correlation and search for the true cause. It is extremely important to know yourself, your body, your allergies and your sensitivities both physiological and psychological, else you will spend your whole life fighting in a losing battle. 

Take some time, do some research, experiment on yourself, make some sacrifices. Life is too short to suffer, when the solution to your problems could be one simple insight away.

T4aM

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Know thyself : There is no rush.

I had the most interesting impromptu conversation last night with a group of friends. The topic was basically that 'there is no rush...you'll get there when you get there'. And I think its something that I needed and something a lot of us in our generation need as the future leaders of Africa and the world as a whole.

This ties in with something that I heard at a conference this past week as well. An Interesting statistic that the average age for successful founders of startups in silicon valley is about +-34 years , and all this time I had been thinking that it's just a bunch of 20 year old hoodie-wearing straight out of varsity (if they even finished) kids that are running the show - yes these people do exist but they are not the majority.The issue is that the media does a great job in telling us about the Marks, Bills and Steves of the world. Personally every time I hear about another 15 year old Summly-creating kid I think "what am I doing with my life?.

And it is this media-frenzy that contributes heavily towards one of biggest problems experienced by the 'first-world' youth of today. Cause now we get out of varsity and we expect everything to just fall into place, we want to be those CEOs that we read in the news, those high rolling executives that we see in the movies or those kids with IPOs coming out of Silicon Valley/Israel .There is nothing at all wrong with that but...you don't want to end up comparing apples to pears. And the more we compare ourselves to others, the less we feel we are doing with our life. Who knew a UCT graduate living in Cape Town can come out of varsity and feel like they have accomplished absolutely nothing in life, firstly cause it's much harder to get a well paying  first-job in the modern day and age, secondly because +300 other people in the country are graduating with the exact same degree as you are and thirdly because we don't even know what it is that we want from life at this stage.

And then people speak of Passion : another big debate in itself, "what should I be doing with my life"?, "what do I love", "what does my soul long for"? This was also mentioned at this dinner table discussion, basically the dilemma is - "I'm about to graduate and I have no clue what my passions are, I might know what I'm good at...but do I know what I love?" And I can relate to this fully, I think we all can, both old and young alike.  The cognitive dissonance emerging from the inherent feeling that from day 1 you should make a career out of your passion, heart-felt desires and interests.On the one side of the coin we all know that this is more than possible because it has, is being and will be done for years to come. But on the other side of the coin, the side we commonly refer to as reality, the truth is that you have debts to pay off, family to support, food to put on the table, car repayments to complete and an unemployment line to avoid, so money needs to be made one way or the other.

Another problem is that there are expectations set by our parents and those around us to be these perfect finished products by the time we leave varsity and these are the dreams we are sold...  

Dream Formula : [Study a good degree] + [get a good job] 

= [money] 

= [financial stability] 

= [happiness] 4eva!. 

This puts a lot of pressure on us and overtime we too tend to adopt and enforce these expectations as well and when these dreams aren't actualized, our self-worth, self-value and dignity depreciates drastically. As you live out this equation, when you tend towards the end of the 'get a good degree' part your world starts to shake beneath your feet because you wonder what the rest of your life holds for you. And honestly in a world were everyone is receiving an education (now a 15 year old can learn the equivalent of my degree online in a few months), the economy is struggling and job security is a myth - this can be a very daunting and emotional period, so instead of just worrying about your final exams, you are wondering about your future, you're wondering about your life. Personally my 4th year at varsity was the most stressful of my years at UCT, and no not because of academics - that was the least of my worries - I was too concerned about what will become of me after I receive that much coveted degree... what does the future hold, where, who and what will I be? - questions that I am still trying to answer to this day...

With all this said, how does one overcome all these hurdles, obstacles and challenges, that life (and ourselves) place in front of us. Well if I had all the answers I wouldn't be as concerned as the next person :D but I don't have the answers cause life is not a theory exam, the memo isn't in a drawer somewhere and no you won't be marked out of 100 when you die. Life is dynamic, ever-changing, hella confusing and extremely interesting (if you give it a chance to be).

What tomorrow holds I don't know - But I do know the following:

1. It is a long journey and it is my own journey, my own story and my own life.
2. I know I need to figure out myself as a person while I attempt to figure out my place in the world.
3. I need to realize my values, my dreams (not the medias dreams ) and my ambitions (not my families ambitions for me) .
4. I need to assess my skills, interests and abilities going forward.
5. I need to chill the fuuuuuck out. Honestly if there is anything I have learned from my eclectic religious expeditions and daily meditations is that when you listen - the universe speaks. And yes... as cliché as it sounds life tends to direct you when you allow it to, trust me it really does.

All in all its a good mixture of self-confidence, self-belief, ambition, humility, perseverance, constant introspection and of course a bit of good ol' luck as always. Honestly we don't know what the future holds and as Oasis beautifully puts it in Morning Glory -" Tomorrow never knows what it doesn't know too soon".

So remember that there is no rush... but with that said -> keep in mind that God/The Source/The Universe doesn't help folks who don't help themselves B-).

Over and out.

T4aM.

Do you know why you are here?

Do you know why you are here?
what lessons you have to learn.
the reason you came back.
the reason for your reincarnation?

Do you know why you are here?
on this plane of reality.
the same dimension as before.
the same soul from previous lives?

Do you know why you are here?
why you chose to stay behind.
what task have you left undone.
what stone have you left unturned...?

Do you know why you are here?
why you wake up daily.
why you choose to breathe, eat, sleep.
why your heart still pumps blood?

Do you know why you are here?
what you asked to come down for.
why you have chosen this path.
why you are living this life....
                                 -----
Deep down, you know why you are here.
you know what you want to learn.
what you need to change.
who you need to be.
and what you need to do.

You know why you are here.
so don't lose you way.
keep true to your mission.
your purpose your goal.

The signs are all around you.
inside you.
they are you.
You feel them.
you know them.
but will you acknowledge them...?

You know why you are here.
what you want from this life.
what this life wants from you.
but will you accept it?

You know why you are here.
don't let the reason elude you.
don't let 'reality' delude you.
you're here for a reason.
don't be fooled by the fools.

You know why you are here.
don't think it's by chance.
you had a plan to descend.
you had a plan to come down.
You wanted to be here.
don't get caught up in the noise.
for we are in it, not of it.
don't forget who are you.

You know why you are here.
so make use of your time.
don't waste it on wasting.
for it's not on your side.

You know why you are here.
and you've been here before.
but you stayed back for something.
you stayed back for more.

You know why you are here.
don't pretend that you don't.
You know why you are here.
so remember yourself.
You know why you are here.
be true to the Truth.
don't get sidetracked or caught up.
       Your life's waiting for you.

T4aM
--------------

Take off the mask

I look at you but do not see you
You speak to me but I cannot hear you
You touch my being but I cannot feel you
Because the real you
Is suppressed deep inside

You try your best to please the public
Put on a show for those around you
Carefully molding people's perception
Yet your true nature
You choose to hide

Who is the real you
I thought I knew you
Please stop the gimmicks
Please show the truth
Stop denying
With these facades
No need to front
So stop the lies

Take off the mask
And be yourself
Please don't pretend
That you're someone else
Take off the mask - Let's see you naked
Life is way to short to compromise

#T4aM

Hamza Kashgari

A Saudi poet and former newspaper columnist jailed by the government for three tweets -

and they say we are 'free'...

T4aM
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"You can buy your way out of jail - but you can't buy freedom"- Kanye West
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The here and now - Utterly Amazing

Over the past two weeks I have tried my hardest to fully embrace myself in the here and the now, the present moment that which knows no future and no past, that which has no worries, no regrets, no anxieties. No mistakes to cry over, no ambitions to plan for, no objectives to work towards.No concern for the opinion of others, not a care about where it came from or where it is going. No thoughts, because there is nothing to think about, no future cause there is nowhere to go, there is nothing else to do, nowhere else to be, nothing else to have. It so simple, yet so revolutionary, so straight-forward yet so elusive : the fact that we are HERE, we have always been HERE, we have never been never experienced, never known anything else, you have never gone back to the past to cry, you have never gone into the future to laugh..nope everything you have ever, will ever, can ever do is in this present moment. The moment I realised this, I realized the real reason why my mind has been such a mess over recent years, the reason why I am always stressing, worrying, paining, living anxiously, the reason why so many relationships have failed, the reason why so many projects have been shelved and left undone, the reason I am so anxious about my future and my career, my place in the world - And the real reason behind this is because I have hardly ever been here. It is a hard pill to swallow but - imagine mentally spending a good part of 22 years somewhere else...its utterly ridiculous!

Only in a few moments when I do what I love, and can so easily engage myself in - have I been so easily able to forgo that natural human urge to be somewhere else, but every other moment in time it has been an implicit, silent struggle. But there is hope, because when one takes cognisance of the fact that there is no-one and nowhere else to be - all the unnecessary life-draining, negative-tending thoughts fall to the way side, and your life begins to manifest in the only way it knows how - in the now... It is honestly a beautiful beautiful thing...



















T4aM
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Be here now, you honestly cannot be anywhere else fully....
The truth is : that Mother Nature only knows today....
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Harsh lessons learned from years spent in school...The sad story of a top achiever.

Initially I wanted to call this note "How education ruined my life" But the thing is education never ruined my life, hell I probably wouldn't be living in Cape Town, the design capital of 2014, working at a top technology/business consulting company - without my brilliant education. But rather it is the education system that has played a huge negative role in my life. And this is something that I am only noticing now at the tender age of 22.

It was great being the smart child, the intelligent one, the one who always knew what to do and when to do it. The loyal student, always in the top 3, consistent, motivated, hard-working. Thus, at the young age of 18 when one is about to leave high-school (and no one else knows what to do with their life) it is a great feeling to know that your life is mapped out because you are a 'top achiever', a high school 'success', a fine product of the education system...bwaap bwaap bwaaap. If only I knew back then... if only I knew.

I lived in a bubble, utopia, an ideal world - a world of my own, a world that the education and reward system had helped me fabricate inside my mind. I was getting awards every term, getting book prizes at the end of the year, even made it into the national news paper after my Matric results (its Swaziland so I think everybody makes it into the paper at least once in their life...truth be told). But this constant flush of success, awards, recognition and achievement had led me to think that I was king of the world, that I could do no wrong, that I had it all figured out and that my path was set - but in all honesty it was very very far from this.

What this 'excellent' childhood did set me up for was a fantastic reality check.

The move to varsity was not the most amazing transition I have ever experienced. I went from getting 89% for End of Year Matric mathematics to getting 64% for test 1 MAM1000 - a first year mathematics course at UCT. And I mean this was probably the second time in my life that I received such a 'low' mark for a mathematics test - the inner me was like "64% for maths dude???" Up until this point I thought I lived and breathed mathematics, I thought I owned mathematics, I thought numbers and logic were my slaves but sadly that really wasn't the case. Worse than actually getting that low mark, was that feeling of 'failure' that feeling of 'shame', of 'disappointment' that is what hurt the most. That feeling of 'I'm not good enough', I am 'not smart enough' and worst of all that feeling of wondering what people thought of me and what they saw me as. See... up until this point I had based my self-worth on what other people think of me. And I mean after being recognized in front of the whole school on frequent occasions its hard to value yourself without involving the value that others place on you. But this taught me that it is of utmost importance that the value you place on yourself must come from within- Lesson 1.

Now this was a sad moment in my life - but what did I do afterwards? I did what any self-respecting first year varsity student would have done. I drank it off on a Friday night on Long street and convinced myself that "I'd do better in the next test" :D - haha but that didn't work either because as much as the next test result might have been slightly better. The problem was that my aim was to beat everyone else in the class and not just to beat myself. But when they post up the class list with test results and you see that people are getting 100% and even 120% (imagine...) and there you stuck sitting on a smooth 69% position 300 out of 700 - then you realise that this struggle cannot be won, this struggle cannot be won if you are basing your success on how other people did. Because you are not on the same level, you do not have the same background, you do not have the same path and you do now have the same goals. Thus from my constant failure to beat other people academically here at UCT, I realised that I had to have my own struggle, my own set of internal standards, rules and ambitions that were not solely based on the external world. The high school days of competing with my smart classmates were over, as it was now time for me to compete against myself. Yes it is perfectly acceptable to use guidelines from others with regards to where you can be and what you can achieve - because its absolutely true that competition breeds progress - but that's where it must end. Because you must realise that at the end of the day you have your own race that needs to be run. From this I had my second lesson. Lesson 2 - Develop your own Jihad.

"I don't know", "how do I do this", "what happens next", "is this correct", "why is this like this?" The questions that I have been asking over and over again during my past 4 months at work. Working both during my short vacation stints at different companies(Kalahari and Yola) and now at my first full time job at BSG in Cape Town, had lead me to ask so many damn questions!!!. In the beginning of my professional career I swear that every second sentence that left my mouth was appended with a large hanging question mark. Even to this day I am still asking questions. But I was never like this, and honestly it is still a bit difficult for me.

See being the 'smart one' , 'the chosen one', the 'messiah', the 'alpha and omega'- haha ok that's pushing it (I wasn't even thaaat smart really :P ) but yes, being 'that kid' meant that I had to know it all. It meant that people were always asking me questions and that meant that I always had to have answers. It was a hard job but it was a great feeling because again there's a feeling of that sense of value derived from others. But you see, asking questions for me meant ignorance, it meant darkness it meant I was weak. Because I had this belief that I had to know it all, there was so much pressure for me to know it all but in the real world as I have so harshly learned (over and over again) you do not and will not know it all at any point in time, it is just not practical it is just not possible. Thus you must ask questions, because ignorance is the basis of greatness, nothing is the foundation of all things, questions are the keys to understanding,  wisdom and knowledge. So Lesson 3 would be the fact that I don't know it all - and its completely ok to seek help and guidance, in fact it is highly encouraged to ask questions. Light exists on the basis that there is darkness to begin with.

Tied in strongly with #Lesson 3 is almighty Lesson 4 - It's ok to make mistakes. For as long as I can remember I have been greatly afraid to make mistakes, to take risks to delve into the unknown. And I'm not sure if its because I am mathematically/scientifically inclined or if its just because I am just too damn scared and risk-adverse. But growing up I had always  thrived for certainty, and the ridiculous stuff I was learning at school gave me that certainty. We were given problems that had model solutions. We were given equations and all the damn parts of the equation and our task was to simply calculate the answer. And that was supposed to be challenge?? really guys...really :| Is this supposed to develop top students in our schools?

I (speaking strictly for myself) was brought up in an academic system that had a large-ass safety net, that had a solution to every single problem, where for every test we were given, the teacher had a model solution in her first draw designed to perfection. And this is a problem, because I was not taught to think out the box, I was not encouraged to think differently, I was not forced to break the barriers of what makes sense and what is acceptable. I was taught to please, I was taught to follow orders, I was taught to submit to a higher mortal power. I mean in primary school we are given Religious Education, we are even given an outline of how we are supposed to think about the world - does that even make sense? ( Yes teaching it is one thing but enforcing it is the issue i am trying to tackle here...) A child straight from the womb, from the void, a fresh expression of the Tao, is told how to view the world and his/her origins, so that he knows what is 'right' and what is 'wrong', what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. "Because we older humans that have been in the system for so long know much more than you and can tell you a thing or two about 'truth'"..hmm really :|. Yes we need to help our kids establish themselves in the world but we need to let them think, we need to let them create, we need to let them live, explore, try fail and fuck up, we should encourage our children to fuck up every single day. Because that is were growth comes from. I look at my younger brother ( Isaac ) and I admire his creativity, his brilliance, his bravery, his unique thought processes. He draws, plays guitar, jams the piano, makes movies, designs buildings and countless more things and there is no right and wrong, he isn't simply doing what he has been taught to do, he's expressing himself and making countless mistakes along the way, but that is the true key to growth.Knowing that it is ok to make mistakes....

Finally one of the biggest illusions of all is the fact that the education system is always preparing us for what is coming next, we go to pre-school to prepare for primary school, we go to primary school to prepare for high school we go to high school to prepare for college, we go to college in order to prepare ourselves to be in the big bad world, and then bam reality hits at the tender age of about 22/23 and by then we should be ready :| But then the cycle starts all over again, and you realize that we live a life constantly preparing for some fantastic future event. So that by the time we are 65 we have retired and amassed all the wealth that we need and can finally enjoy life - buuut then you contract some disease and that's it :| so in essence we prepare ourselves to die, not to live. (adapted from Alan Watts - Playing the game of life).

Thus  Lesson 5 ladies and gentlemen - There are no certainties in life, there is no amount of preparation that can get you ready to live in this three dimensional reality. We do not know what tomorrow holds, so instead of constantly preparing for it and bracing ourselves for its impending yet asymptotic arrival, we should grab that bull by the horns and live it right now, we need to create our life, we need to live our life and unbind ourselves from the strong grasp of society, the invisible chains of suppression and control. Life cannot be learned in a book, taught in a class, written in a test, and no one and nothing can fully prepare you for your destiny.

T4aM

At least they didn't take the internet....

5 years in cape town, which started in 2010. Completed my studies in minimum time at the end of 2013 and immediately the next year I started working in this beautiful city. And what a year it has been thus far. In March just before my 22nd birthday I lost my phone on Long street. My 1 year old Samsung S3 that cost me about R6000, obviously it hurt a lot because in this modern day and age our smartphones are really everything, its almost like a body without a heart - at least from my perspective. But on the positive side I am a working man now and within about a week or so I managed to get a brand new cellphone, I went one up and scooped myself a new Samsung S4 on contract. And I made sure to insure it this time around. So yes life was breezy for about another 2 months and then...the unspeakable happened.....:

Friday afternoon 16 May. We had our weekly Team Meeting in the office which went by pretty quickly; so at about 16:30 I left for home, cruising down the street, playing my 5FM on full blast, anxiously waiting to enter my humble abode as I do every week. Unfortunately, this Friday was different. As I drove into the parking I noticed that my garage door was slightly open and the thing is I am the only one that has the keys to unlock that door, so at that moment I knew that something was wrong. To to avoid the sudden flush of raging negativity I tried so hard to convince myself that the landlord was making changes (cognitive dissonance at its best)... Without even getting my bag out the boot or locking my car, I dashed out and walked towards my apartment... Got to the front door and it too was open. All my South African nightmares came true as I could  instantaneously tell that from the marks on the side of the door it was forced open. So at this moment in time I had fully accepted it, the hard reality that my apartment had been broken into. The worst part of this was having to force myself to walk into my bedroom: my technology hub, my headquarters, my sanctuary, my life :( ....Knowing what would probably await me on the other side of the bedroom door. With this in mind I did it ever so reluctantly and not to my surprise...my gadgets were gone :/ Stolen, taken...forcefully adopted.

They took my new laptop...
They took my old laptop...
They took my Ipad...
They took my guitar :( , those bastards even took my guitar!.

So the damage as it stands from theft this year is about, lets say +-R20,000
Yeah it hurts, but as always it could have been worse. Much worse, it can always be worse...

I didn't cry, I didn't sniff I didn't scream or shout. The first thing I did was accept it. And the second thing I did was call my mother :)  I did this for two reasons, the first was because I actually wanted to check on HER as I had been planning on calling for a while its just these international call rates always deter me. And the second was to let her know that I am O.K because i never want her to get worried about me.  The weird thing about traumatic life experiences is that you instantly think of what you really should be grateful for in life. And the first things that I thought of was my family, not my money not my possessions not all the personal work that I had on my devices, but my family. Because there is nothing worse than something bad happening to family.

So I talked to my mother and I made a promise to myself to check-up on family members more often, because in life this is what really counts. It is love, it is relationships it is happiness. And I mean money can buy you material things, but no amount of money can by you love. And in this materialistic consumer-crazed world that we live in we really need to make sure we have our priorities straight in life. Yes, I am sad that my stuff is gone, but I am happy, extremely happy that at that moment I knew deep down inside what was really important in my life. And this is a  knowing that should be present every single day. It is life, shit happens, we all become statistics at one point in time, but as long as you know that whatever the thieves have stolen and whatever the moths have eaten does not define you, then you will be OK.

Amongst the things that I was grateful for after my robbery is the fact that I still have my life, everyone I love still has their lives, I have more than enough money saved up to enable a quick recovery and of course the glorious fact that these stupid thieves din't steal my router. So at least the didn't take the internet :)

We shall rebuild!

T4aM
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"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20"But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal" Mathew 6:19
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Believe... and take action

Action re-enforces belief, this is a very important fact of life that we all need to know. The movie The Matrix has taught me and confirmed many a thing about the nature of the reality that we live in. In essence belief is everything belief runs the world, belief is what directs us guides us, belief is what determines how we see and perceive the world and ourselves. In essence belief is the core of realty. We are a result of what we think, the world is a result of what we think.

But because of the way we are brought up, our ability to explicitly rely on our beliefs is not as strong as it should be. Because of that we need action to back it all up. This is one of the many reasons that religions and cultures have many a ritual for different things. This is why Sangomas make you "eat this"/"drink that"/"do this action"/ etc. Because these actions are what enforce our beliefs even further and this is why we should use them, to assist us in our quest in this dimension.

If you want to change something in your life and your mental capacity is not enough to maintain this new belief, apply an action consistently to back up your beliefs. Our brains are too smart, logical and rational for their own good, so don't fight it, play along with them, have your way and let them think they are in control. :)

T4aM

Second Affirmation

So I have manufactured a new affirmation. I have re-realized (because this happens periodically it seems) that we are not supposed to try and direct our life, it should be effortless just like nature. I always think of two important aspects of the natural world:
1. Conception
2. Natural Selection

During birth there is no point where we have to explicitly control how to develop in our mothers wombs, nature takes over. What must be done is done. what must happen happens.
During a species existence on Earth, natural selection aims to ensure that the species is best suited to its in environment, through various combinations of alterations, additions and subtractions. And this all happens because nature knows what is best, not us...but that which we came from.

With this said i present my new affirmation:
------------------------------------------------------------------
I am in constant submission to the universe
To the Tao
To the Divine
Please have your way with me
My life is guided by my thoughts
My thoughts are guided by the divine
And because of this I am grateful
As everything is well in and around me
I am where I am
I am who I am
I have what I have
I know what I know...

For this I love you
I am sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you :)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
T4aM

Die to self

A traveler from India went to Africa to acquire some local products and animals, and while in the jungle he saw thousands of beautiful multicolored talking parrots. He decided to capture a talking parrot and take it back as a pet.

At home he kept his parrot in a cage and fed him wonderful seeds and honey, played music for his pet, and generally treated him well. When it was time for the man to return to Africa 2 years later, he asked his parrot if there was any message he could deliver to the parrot's friends back in the jungle. The parrot told his master to say that he was very happy in his cage and that he was enjoying each day and to convey his love.

When the traveler arrived back in Africa he delivered the message to the parrots in the jungle. Just as he finished his story, a parrot with tears welling up in his eyes fell over dead. The man was alarmed and decided that the parrot must have been very close to the parrot in the cage and that was the reason for his sadness and demise.

When the traveler returned to India, he told his pet what had happened. As he finished his story, the pet parrot's eyes welled up with tears and he kneeled over dead in his cage. The man was astounded, but figured that his pet died from the despair of hearing of the death of his close friend back in the jungle.

The trader opened up the cage and tossed the dead bird outside onto the trash heap. Immediately his pet parrot flew up to a branch on the tree outside.

The trader said to him, "So, you are not dead after all. Why did you do that?"

The parrot answered, "Because that bird back in Africa sent me a very important message."

"What was the message?" the trader inquired impatiently.

"He told me that if you want to escape from your cage, you must die while you are alive."

T4aM

Meet my demons

The thing is we all wake up with issues on our mind.
We all go to sleep with desires for a slightly different tomorrow.
We all walk around with thoughts in our head.
Sometimes smiling to fend of the questions and concerns.
We all laugh, tucking away the worry and insecurities that we hold deep down inside.
No.
This is no revelation.
No amazing discovery.
Nothing we didn't know.
Nothing we cannot acknowledge or accept.
Because
The truth is...we all have demons.
We all have our personal set of issues that we dealing with at every single point in time.
A little slice of our 'reality' that we are battling to grapple with.
One of many 'truths' and 'possibilities' that we are
Struggling to face and accept.
And/Or
Trying so desperately to change.
And these demons come in various shapes and sizes.
Various forms and disguises.
Some come for a short period of time
While others tend to hang around for quite a while.
-With all this in mind though-
One important thing to note is that:
Your demons are not my demons
My demons are not your demons
And...
In this vast universe that we live in.
In this amazingly overpopulated world of billions....
You can be sure to rest assured
That you are not the only one with issues
Or even that your issues are entirely unique
Don't for one second think :
That you are the only one that has skeletons in your closet
Don't for one second think :
That you are the only one that has demons in your dungeon.
Rather:
Embrace it;
Accept it;
Admit it
Face it;
And understand that your view on life is entirely in your control.
You control your thoughts.
Your maneuver your mind.
So you should get to know your demons.
You should name your demons.
And don't ever blame your demons
Because the truth is that you invited them in....

T4aM

These strings

These strings that I see

Hanging all around me

Yet

I refuse to be bound or controlled

by 'society'

T4aM

Dare to be real

I have on many an occasion been that guy at a social gathering that says or does some weird shit. Things that classify as non-conventional, not normal, uncalled for, unexpected.. and i don't do it because i'm trying to be funny or trying to spark up controversy or anything - I do it because that is who i am. I do it because it is what i feel, what i think, what is true to me. And its only fair that i show the world the me that i am, as opposed to the me that they want to see.

Many a time I notice that people are often afraid, or maybe too reserved to say what they are really thinking or what they are really feeling because they are concerned about how it will be received by the general public. And when certain things are said or done a lot of people would rather stick to the conventions of society so they are not perceived to be 'uncool' or some nonsense like that. Why?, why must we adhere to these unwritten, undocumented social conventions that we have all internalized, why must we condemn the person that speaks up, and says what we want to say, and what we are thinking but too afraid to show... why...?

This is one of the many reasons why I find this world such a weird place. It pains me to see how much you as an individual sovereign entity are expected to conform. And leads me to ask myself the following:

"Why i should ignore my natural personality, preferences and tendencies just to be accepted?"

Society is not there with me when I go to bed, society is not there with me when I wake up, society is not in my mind, no society is all out there. So why must I put on my publicly-approved 'mask' and filter-configured 'helmet' when I leave my apartment so that everyone around me is comfortable and at ease. This way we all just end up faking the majority of our lives, with the carefully structured facades that we put in-place where our faces and real personalities are supposed to be.

The truth is that I will only really live for so long and I cannot let my life go by pretending , just to be 'cool' just to be 'accepted', honestly I'd rather be weird, creepy and REAL - i'd take that ostracized option over that 'you have been deemed to be socially acceptable' tag any day. Honestly : conventional, average and normal have never really been my strong point....

I really don't have time to suppress my thoughts, feelings and actions, as I would honestly be denying myself of life. And my time, as is yours - is limited, in this dimension.

T4aM  

Let me be great

Today I spent my post 9to5 wprking hours indoors. I Had a mission to come back to my apartment and jump on some code. Reason being is that i have a change to do and I wanted to get a grip of the system before going in to the office tommorow blank-  cause that just leads to time wastage..

My strong will to tackle the problem and delve into the SQL files and c# files head on is something that I was inspired to do by my work mate. Thing is....I know ( the world knows) that I've always been proactive, hands-on and eager to get the job done - at least I was throughout high-school and varsity- but recently, after being exposed to so much and being over whelmed with so many new things here at work,  new paradigms, new methodologies and new and unfamiliar programming languages I have honestly forgotten just how intelligent, solution-oriented, and pragmatic I actually truly am.

So today when I finally got the code to work I had so much joy not just because I accomplished something but also because I feel like I'm being me again. ...

These are the attributes that got me to where I am today.

1. Goal oriented.
2. Solution driven.
3  Hard working.
4. Don't give up easily (if at all even).
5. Quick learner. .

And these are qualities that I have noticed in my work mate so much, and I'm glad that instead of seeing it as competition or being negative about it, I took it in positively and I tried my best to learn from him and replicate him in areas where possible.  And I am glad that it had paid off as I am also progressing in my professional career because of this... its beautiful and I'm glad I have someone like him that I can measure myself against.  You can only get better if you surround yourself with people that push you forwards and raise higher, either implicitly or explicitly. It's a challenge that results in continuous growth and learning. ...If handled correctly. 

Remember that It's ok to lose your groove once in a while, just make sure you get it back....

T4aM

Being human

I am a really weird person, or maybe it is just a part of me that is weird. Over recent times I have found my self to be quite socially awkward, lacking conversational skills, uninteresting, dry and dull... And the thing is I know I'm better than that yet I still fall into this trap of mundaneness. I find myself trying to act, and not acting naturally. Is it because I am too deeply inside my own head that it takes such effort to be in the real world with everyone else? I am so cautious of my every move, my every word and probably most of all how I am perceived by those around me. I don't want to fit in, but I find myself figuring out how to.

I am so weird. I always used to make fun of typical coders/programmers because of their anti social behavior or their stereotypical weirdness..but that is seemingly exactly who I am. I don't like people in my private space. I don't like maintaining close relationships. I don't like not being by myself for extended periods of time. :| I feel like when I am not by myself I have to put up a conscious act just to be accepted. And the thing is it's not even a facade or anything of that sort, just have to filter my thoughts and actions before coming off as weird..because I am weird. I really am. I'm different....

I am extremely weird. And this affects my confidence because i doubt myself so much, I always think that I cAn do more, that  I can be more. That I don't know enough. That I am not enough. Despite my accolades and achievements... Despite my young age and ambition. Despite my intelligence and abilities I still feel like there is a lot more I can and should be doing. I compare myself to those around me so much. And as much as I don't want to be them. Noooo I just want to be accepted by them. And conforming and submitting to society are what I am deeply against. But I have clearly wasted a lot in trying to be human..so much that it makes me sad.

I am not normal. But I don't know what normal is.. I don't know who is normal. I don't want to be normal. I don't want to be human. I think I'd do quite well in a universe with just myself. But I know my thoughts would get to me, because I really have so many of them... And I'd obviously need people to confirm my existence and to try ensure my sanity. 

My mind is a weird place.

T4aM

I am me. .. aren't I?

I've been feeling a bit down lately. It seems like a lack of confidence, being a bit unstable in my life. I think it has something to do with where I am, the who that I am and that of who I think I am supposed to be.

Being in the working world is so different from being in the student world. I used to have the end in sight at each level of my academic life, but now there does not seem to be an 'end'. There are no more axademic ladders  to climb, no more tests to ace, exams to overcome. It's just work, day in and day out. And yes I work at an amazing place, with amazing people. I am just getting used to it all. With work, with me, with life with everything....

The environment is something that I am still adjusting to, people around me all day everyday.  In varsity I could quickly leave campus and hide away in my room..my fortress.. but now,  now I have someone by my side 8 hours a day. Whether I like it or not. I'm glad they are cool people in the office but still It's a big chance for me that is anti - society and at most times pro introversion. .I really can only take so much of people because I feel like it's a lot of pressure on my part. But I am slowly learning to be me around others and to accomodate the perpetual company.  Well...mostly cause I have no choice :|

Anyways the TED talks that I have been watching recently have helped a lot. The jist of it is basically the following.

1) Embrace yourself and don't be afraid of being you.
2)  Don't  let society change who you are and what you are. - Don't let the outer voices convince your inner voice.
3) Focus on the now...The future will sort itself out as you go along. 
4) be awesome. ..be great. Remember what makes you smile,  what gives you energy.

I think being around so many people I have so many ideas of who I should be but in this commotion I am losing track of who i actually am and who I want to be. So many thoughts. .so many desires
So much confusion :|. But I know I'll get back on track, eventually.  I know there is a reason why I am here. And I'm sure I'll figure it all out, cause I always have.  A large part of me feels that it's time for a big change. . I'm just trying to figure out what exactly.

But I will.. and I am... I am and I will be.
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T4aM. 

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Challenging environment

I started working this year at BSG in Cape Town, design capital 2014 -. I'm 21... straight out of varsity with my computer science degree from UCT, the best varsity in Africa (had to throw that in there...) working at a decently sized company getting a competitive salary with great perks and benefits...has the dream been realized?..oh yes!

I have felt so privileged to be working here with such talented, vibrant, intelligent, loving people. I am currently the youngest guy in the dev team, which would make a lot of sense- with me recently graduating and all. And I am nowhere near the smartest guy in the room, something that, as obvious as it is, always takes some humbling and inner submission. The people around me are smart, focused, dedicated but most of all..they are human, just like me. When I first started working I felt very intimidated, because looking at them I know where and who I should be but I am not there yet. As daunting as this is it is this same aspect of my new life that pushes me and encourages me to work towards something. I wake up everyday actively wanting to learn more, do more, be more, acquire more knowledge, work on something more challenging. I have a need to get out if my comfort zone because I know I will not grow if I stay there, it's safe yes but it's not progressive. Feeling ignorant makes me want to strive for more knowledge and wisdom.

I have never been one that likes asking questions, but because of the environment I am in I feel like I am able to ask a question about anything; without being judged or looked down upon, it's such an amazing feeling. And with every question asked my understanding improves, as I am able to grasp whatever task I am facing with my own hands and wrap my own mind around it. This is not easy in an industry where you are expected to know everything, but I have realized that you have to start somewhere. I know where I am right now and even though I know it will take a long time to get to the level I want to be,I honestly think I am at the best place to achieve this....and it's a remarkable feeling.

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It is essential to ensure that you are in a challenging environment that is conducive for learning and growth. Surround yourself by people that are 'better' than you because it's the best way to improve.

T4aM

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My Glorious Face

At the tender age of about 12-13 i used to hear stories of puberty and what it does to young teenagers. But I had nice a smooth light-complexioned face, how could that ever happen to me. Entering high school i was young and fresh until sometime in grade 9 when i started getting my first few pimples, and from then it was basically down hill. My happiness, my confidence, my comfort, my energy, my smiles, my laughter, my creativity would all be affected over the next few years because of the state of my face. It started with one pimple, then a few pimples, then a face full of pimples. I had tried face wash after face wash, with some of them either giving the illusion of progress and others just making every thing worse.. It was a battle that would carry on for about the next 7 years with fluctuating degrees of intensity.

In high school there were weeks at hostel where i literally would not look in the mirror the whole week. If i did look in the mirror i would make sure that there was minimum light entering the room, even if this meant switching off the lights and looking in the mirror at an angle. I had figured that if i couldn't see how bad i looked then i wouldn't feel as bad... But this would all change when i would have conversations with people because as they talked to me or listened to me speak there eyes would wander all across my face, and this made me feel oh so uncomfortable. To the extend that i stopped looking into peoples eyes during conversations, i just couldn't handle it. They were ruining the deluded world that i had built up through denial and darkness... I could handle feeling bad about myself but it was not easy having to go out into the public and have other people feel bad for you as well. Even teachers would ask me on occasion what was 'wrong'..i had it bad for a while...real bad....

And this is the stage in life where everyone is trying to be a coool kid, how can you be a cool kid if you have acne all over your face, it just made me dive deeper into the books. Something that i did not have to be pretty to do well....study.

I got into the habit, the very bad habit of drinking and smoking as a teenager, and this didn't help at all...i'm not sure to what extend it contributes to the well being of your skin, but i don't think it helped me at all...then again nothing could have helped me at this stage, nothing besides patience. Over the years i have learned to try and understand my skin and treat it appropriately. Washing it aggressively multiple times a day is not the solution. Putting face masks on every night and changing products in quick succession is not the answer either. I have realized that i was probably 70% of the reason that my skin got so bad, i was not treating it properly at all. I was so scared of bad skin that i made me skin much much worse than it should have been. Now as i am much older and have seen many more people in similar situations have i seen the folly of my way.

What is the solution...?
1. Vitamins...i have recently started taking vitamins and they work wonders, because all along i was treating the problem from the outside in, when i should have also been treating it from the inside out. Vitamins have helped a lot. and when they run out i can see the difference and i get paranoid when i even miss a single day :/
2. Moisture..moisture is essential because your face needs moisture and when it is deprived of external moisture it compensates by producing its own...which results in clogged pores and pimples...:|

3. Face wash- when it comes to face wash we each have different skin types so i would say use whatever face-wash you want. I have literally tried more than 10-15 distinct products : Oxy, Clearasel, Young solution, Oatmeal, Ambi, Bio-Nike...etc etc. The most importan aspect is to find out what type of  skin you have. Then choosing a face wash accordingly, this is very important..and with skin i do not think there is a one answer for all type solution.
4. A spot removal gel- I always thought that these things would be bad for my skin because they would burn me or something. But the truth is that if i had started using these things much earlier on, i would have prevented a lot of unnecessary damage. These spot instant gels/creams dry out your pimple much faster than usual and using this is a million times better than popping a pimple! And on this note remember the following  ONLY POP A PIMPLE WHEN IT IS READY! There is no need for premature popping, it really only makes things worse, re-infecting the surrounding skin
5. These are optional (because i am no skin specialist by qualification...only by revelation) but i think that they should be deemed mandatory:
     - A scrub which you use frequently, that can exfoliate your skin and a face mask that can remove           dead skin cells.
6. Healthy diet - I have focused on my diet a lot, to the point where i got so paranoid that i stopped eating a lot of things. No chocolate, no cheese, reduced alcohol(i have stopped drinking entirely many many times because of my face...), no more smoking(idk what effects this has on skin), no creamy things, no mayo, no sweets, nothing high in sugar....etc etc ....and A LOT of water.

You basically have to understand your skin and try your best to take care of it. I realized that puberty was a phase and all phases end as long as you work with it and not against it.. i would not want to wish this upon anyone, not even my greatest enemy. Your face is your representation to the world, people look at you and their first judgement is based on what you look like. Having a beautiful face will help with many things in life like confidence and acceptance and it even helps you get laid :P Please take care of yourselves and don't think its the end of the world- also see a dermatologist if needs be...there is a solution to most problems..you just have to find it.

T4aM

Ps: Vitamins that should be taken (A, E, B, C, Zinc are the core vitamins that should be taken daily...)